?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
fics again
teh_will wrote in soong_brothers
For those about to rock who are bored, some more incomplete fic. 'Cuz that's what I'm good at. XP

Title: Forgotten Sons
Characters: Picard, Data, Androids, androids everywhere!
Rating: PG-13
Status: incomplete
Warnings: violence, Lewd's mouth, bad writing
Summary: Q sends the Enterprise three hundred years into the future to mediate between the Federation and a long lost colony, but both sides seem intent on keeping secrets that could jeopardize them all.

Data's not in this one, but it's about him, if that makes any sense.

Title: Pieces
Characters: Picard, Geordi, Maddox, "Ten"
Rating: PG
Status: incomplete
Warnings: unbeta'd, cliche` evil admirals
Summary: Data is declared property and removed from the Enterprise. Years later, Picard is ordered to test run one of Maddox's prototypes, and begins to see shades of a friend long thought lost. "Measure of a Man" AU.
Tags:


  • 1
Finally found time to read these WIPs and write some proper feedback. Well, I must say, of course I don't know what your expectations were or what exactly you had in mind, but I don't think there's anything wrong with them! Sure, the language could be polished a bit here and there, but content-wise I think they're both interesting and original and I look forward to seeing how they continue. :o)

The OCs you introduce in the first chapter of FS are convincing and sympathetic, a good intro to a fic that takes place in such a new environment. You hardly get to know Alejandro, yet it's already painful to see him killed. I'm not quite sure why the Starfleet officer would react to a random Soong android with such fear and hostility, but I guess that's something that will be explained later.

The second chapter is perhaps a bit heavy on dialogue, but your canon characters are all recognizable and very much alive. I like the redeeming remark you make about Troi. :o) The only thing that's a bit confusing is the conversation in the middle - the reader has no idea who either of them are, and it feels a bit pointless to read something you just can't follow. (Having been briefed by you beforehand, I assume the non-italic one is future!Data, but I'm still clueless as to the other one...)

As to 'Pieces': now that's a very intriguing concept indeed and a nicely dark one at that. ;o) I can understand how my Ten reminded you of yours - they're quite alike, especially the way your Ten still is in chapter 1. The idea of a slowly re-emerging consciousness in Maddox' creations and with it a return of a similar-yet-not-completely-identical Data (if that is where is this going...) is a delicious treat for my starving imagination. (Angsty P/D slash options!) Can't wait to read more!

A little bit of concrit on that one: I think it wouldn't hurt to make Picard a bit or even a lot more emotional during his talk with Ten. I mean, like you say the pain has faded over the years, but to actually meet a new android that looks just like Data can only be very difficult and confronting for him. Although, it depends... If you plan to make Geordi rather than Picard the protagonist who'll have the most sigificant interaction with Ten, then I suppose the emotions can wait.

Finally there are two more general things I'd advice you concerning style. I hope that's allright, and that it doesn't sound too presumptuous coming from a non-native speaker... but hey, you said concrit was welcome... First you need to look a bit closer at tense. Both stories are narrated in the past tense, which means that if within the narrative you refer to a point even further back in the past, you'll need to make consequent use of the past perfect. In other words, insert a lot of had's. ;o) (Like in FS, chapter 2, third section: "How could he have refused?")

Second, try to avoid wherever possible to make explicit statements about the tone in which someone says/thinks something, or how he/she feels when saying/thinking it. It's almost always redundant and the reader's imagination is stimulated more if you don't spell such things out for them. Let the character's mood or intention just speak from his/her words and actions themselves. (Example: 'Pieces' chapter 2: "No, this wasn't like slavery at all, he thought caustically with a sad chuckle." That whole second part of the sentence is unnecessary - the reader already understands that Picard is not being serious...)

Goodness! Why do I never see these until too late?

First off, thank you for the concrit, especially the second point on style. I hadn't realized I was doing that ^^ I really do appreciate you taking the time and effort to point such things out to me. Can't improve otherwise.

I didn't realize the conversation between future!Data and the other person was so distracting! It is supposed to be an unknown, one of a few hints I drop here and there so when part two comes up and it all comes to light the reader looks back and goes "oooh, I see" rather than "where the heck did that come from?" At least that's the goal. But I've never been good at pulling off such things, so.

Unfortunately I'm a little stuck on FS at the moment, strictly because of style! There are two general types of stories I find online. The first more or less reads like a script. The writer tells us what is going on with little to no glimpses inside the characters' heads. The story moves along but I don't care because I don't know what motivates the characters. The opposite are those stories where we spend too much time inside a character's head. We hear their innermost thoughts on everything so much so that you start shaking the computer yelling "get on with it!" I prefer stories that employ both these; I know what motivates the characters, what their thinking, but not so that it bogs down the story. Your fics fall happily into this middle ground which is why I love them so XD
But FS is beginning to read like the first type of fic to me. I'm just telling the reader what's happening because I don't know what's really going on in the canon casts' heads, and I refuse to tell the whole thing through the view of the OCs. So, stuck.

haha, didn't mean to dump all over you like that.

Oh well, hopefully I'll get over this hump soon enough. Bleh.

tl;dr: you gave me concrit and I love you for it in a totally creepy way

I love you in a totally creepy way too, so that shouldn't be a problem. ;o)

an unknown, one of a few hints I drop here and there
I guess in that case it would be best to make it a tiny bit less mysterious, to make the reader understand just enough to make them more curious.

Your fics fall happily into this middle ground which is why I love them so XD
THIS IS SERIOUSLY ONE OF THE AWESOMEST COMPLIMENTS I'VE EVER HAD. Thank you. I have exactly the same problem with almost all fic I read and as a beta reader it's something I have to explain over and over again. I work so hard to get that 1balance exactly right. I'm really glad people (i.e.: you) actually see that.

I don't know what's really going on in the canon casts' heads
So, why not? What's missing? Do you find it hard to imagine how they would respond to this experience? Do they lack a purpose in the story?

Say, if you feel like brainstorming about this in more detail, feel free to send me a PM or mail or whatever. :o) I'd love to help you and I know how useful it can be to bounce ideas off someone else who's familiar with and interested in the fandom. Sometimes even writing down the problems you're having already helps to clear your mind. ^^

How's it going with the other two, Pieces and The Way Is Up? I haven't forgotten my promise to write you some Myth/Lore smut, but theoretically I thought it'd be best if I got to know the original fic a bit better before I made such an attempt. If that's too much pressure, I can also just use my own imagination, but then it might not fit as well to your fic anymore...

  • 1